Hunger/Machine or, Life After DARPA
I
Buckets. Giant robot monkey buckets. Did you hear me Leslie? We can win. We need Buckets. Soap and water, too, you listening Leslie…? Leslie!
Sir?
Leslie, we've got to mop.
Sir?
Damn it Leslie, didn't they teach you anything in the corps? We don't win if we don't mop. Haven't you read the briefs, major? The enemy doesn't mop. The enemy is un-tidy. We can win this. Now get me Sanchez on the phone. Tell him we'll meet at 1900 at the club.
Yes sir, anything else sir?
You bet your sweet cherry ass there's something else Leslie. Get rid of those damn monkeys, you hear me? We're losing time, told you five minutes ago they should be at the front. No time to waste, opinion polls, goddamned D.O.D., politicians, can't even get a goddamned word in edgewise, can't even… Leslie!
Sir?
Who's in charge of the robot project, which general?
Sir, I believe it's General Sanchez, sir.
Sanchez? Goddamned ass doesn't know the first thing about… What about the buckets?
Sir?
What I said, Leslie. What about the buckets? Goddamn it, where the hell do you think you are, a playground? Mama's gonna wipe your ass every time you fall off the swings? I said buckets, Leslie. How many times, how long have you been, you've got to keep focus, Leslie. I don't care how many generations you come from, don't give a damn who your granddaddy was; this is war. You want to stay alive Leslie, then you learn. From me. I'm in charge here, that means you don't piss upwind. Where's Sanchez? Get me Sanchez right now or I'll bust your ass back down to lieutenant.
Yes sir. I'm dialing now, sir.
Good-good. What about the buckets, Leslie?
Carson, sir.
General Carson, Leslie. Don't forget it. Get him on the phone.
Sir, yes sir.
You tell him we're gonna mop. You tell him I don't give a damn what the goddamn D.O.D. pretty boys say. They don't now what it's like. Can't even, won't even, can't even get a goddamn Joint Chief on the line, need to tell them what it's like. Goddamn it, I know what it's like, it's untidy. You get Carson on the phone. You tell him I said we can win this right now if we mop. You tell him the general wants to mop. We can win this. We're gonna mop. Where's Sanchez?
General's Sanchez's secretary is on line 2, sir.
Good. Ask him what they're serving at the club. Ask him if they're serving asparagus again. Won't eat there if they serve asparagus. Steak with asparagus, believe that one Leslie? Should have peas, green beans, things like that, hear me? Do yourself a favor Leslie, keep your nose clean. Don't eat asparagus. They eat asparagus, Leslie. Them. People like them. Leslie, you hear me? Never eat food that starts with an "A." That's how the whole goddamn thing started in the first place. Where's Sanchez?
Line 2, sir.
Where's Carson?
En route to Central Command, sir, awaiting your order.
Good. Good. Goddamn it, you tell him this. Don't write it down. You tell him….
Tango, Foxtrot, Charlie, 1. Alpha, Alpha, 8-niner.
Sir?Damn it Leslie, you'd better follow the chain of command.
But sir…
Disregard my order again and I'll strip your sorry ass back down to cadet, don't care who's your pappy, now what's the code?
Tango, Foxtrot, Charlie…
That's right major, now use it.
Sir, permission to speak freely sir?
You got permission to get your head out of your ass, Leslie. Talk all you want when we're not losing. Said get on the phone and get them monkeys mopping, should've been mopping five minutes ago when I told you to, hear me? Don't have time to waste, Leslie, what the hell do you want to say?
Sir, with the monkeys sir, what you want sir, it's a massacre, a bloodbath...
Goddamn it, what we're paid to do, keep telling you we're not in the schoolyard, mama can't be there to wipe the snot from your nose. That's your problem Leslie, mama's boy, always in school, should have been out there hunting duck like your daddy. Should've enlisted the first chance you got. Don't care what they taught you in the academy, this ain't the academy. Should've went D.O.D. you want to be a mama's boy, play in the sandbox all you want at the D.O.D., maybe get some big-boy politician buy you an ice cream cone, too. Talk so much want to talk about that? Damn it Leslie, you want to talk about rules of engagement, D.O.D. I can't get a word in edgewise? Don't talk about rules. Don't have to worry about rules when you use the monkeys, Leslie. Hide under your mama's skirt all day you want but damn it, D.O.D. gave the goddamn monkeys mops and buckets, now they're afraid they'll clean up. They're cleaners major, that's why we got them, that's what they do. This is a war Leslie, not a schoolyard. You worry about staying alive, the chain of command, let me worry about the rules. Think they give a damn about rules? Enemy don't give a goddamn about rules. The enemy, think they eat right? My mother was a fruit lady, swore by fruit, gave me five a day. I used to hide them in my room until they stank from rot. Learned my lesson though: it's wrong to be untidy. Lesson is we got a goddamn dirty enemy, no time for rules. You want to talk about rules we'll stink from rules, goddamn D.O.D. we'll lose this war we're not tidy. Said we're gonna mop Leslie, now call the club, find out what's on the menu. You like beef?
Sir?
Don't know why I'm asking. Everybody knows your daddy was poultry. A duck man, liked it fried, Peking style. A little on the odd side, that one. You call in the code…? Leslie!
Sir?
Answer the goddamn question, major.
Yes sir. I am awaiting confirmation of the code right now, sir.
Good... Good. Should have sent in the monkeys long time ago. Could've won this a long time ago. Wouldn't have to sit my ass out here, lecturing nancy-boys like you, would have sent in the monkeys. Ever have bush meat, Leslie? Probably think I'll tell you it tastes like goddamn chicken, don't you? Kind of stuff they say over at the D.O.D., ain't it? Well, your pappy ate bush meat, loved the hell out of it too. Always said it tasted like his Thai virgin. Yes, sir, his Thai virgin, that's what he said, couldn't get a word in edgewise. Always was odd, that one, but goddamn it, he knew how to make you laugh. Bush meat Leslie, you like? Why are you here?
Sir?
Bush meat, major. Send you out to the front, that'll pull your head out of our ass. Send you to bring back bush meat, make your daddy proud. This is war Leslie, we gotta mop. Goddamn candy-ass D.O.D., spent billions and now they piss their pants, afraid to mop. Can't get a word in edgewise over there. I asked you a goddamn question, Major.
Bush meat, sir?Of course I'm talking about bush meat, Leslie. Now what's the goddamn code.
Sir?
What's the code, Leslie, the confirmation code! Goddamn never to learn to focus and you want to get a word in, can't get a word in edgewise. What's the menu?
Sir, tonight is steak frites, ribeye cut. Choice of seasonal vegetable or mirepoix.
Good. Vegetable?
Spinach, sir.
Good… Good. Man food, spinach. Popeye was a man damn it, clean man too, very tidy, that Popeye. Don't care what the hell you think, never saw Popeye afraid to mop. Spinach is iron, Leslie, you could learn something there. And just what in the good goddamn is mirepoix? What is that, French? Goddamn it Leslie, get Sanchez on the phone... Leslie!
Sir?
I asked you a goddamn question.
Sir, mirepoix: a mixture of carrots, onions, celery and herbs, sautéed in butter.
Well smack my ass and call me Shirley, where the hell they teach you that Leslie, the academy? D.O.D.? Well, your daddy and I ate bush meat together, loved every minute. Tastes like man food, bush meat; like iron, like spinach. Where's Carson? What's the conformation code? Where are the goddamn monkeys? Get me Sanchez on the phone, don't know about 1900. You listening, hear me? Les-lie…?
Sir?
Goddamned dirty Sanchez, doesn't know his damned ass from his, goddamn D.O.D., food I can't pronounce, damn it Leslie, didn't I ask you a question?
Yes sir, the confirmation code, sir: Alpha, Alpha, 8-niner, Tango Foxtrot, Charlie, 1… We have released the monkeys, sir.
Good Leslie. Good job, man. Now we're gonna get things clean. What about the buckets? Can't have those monkeys without buckets…
Yes sir. The monkeys have buckets sir. We have additional confirmation sir, the monkeys have soap. They are a go.
Goddamn it, yes. Gonna eat right this time, Leslie. No more goddamn dirt. Clean.
Rone Shavers is a writer living in Chicago. His work has appeared in www.africana.com, BOMB magazine, Mosaic literary magazine, and WarpLand magazine, among several other publications. He is currently writing a novel about
Haiti.
